Understanding your “Defenses”
The word defensiveness is typically associated with something quite negative. I can definitely understand that! When we get defensive, we typically are not responding in a way that feels aligned and/or productive. However, I want to try and soften this word and help people better understand why your defenses are even showing up in the first place.
First off….”defenses” are a primal part of us. Every living thing has a way of defending themselves. A claim goes into their shell and a porcupine sticks out their quills. Us humans are really no different, we all have a way of protecting ourselves. It’s crucial to our survival. When our nervous system codes something as a threat…its going to react by going into some sort of protective move (going into your shell or sticking out your quills. That’s exactly what “defenses” are protective moves.
I would love to help people soften their language and views on defenses. As I said above, defenses are simply protective moves. It’s our protectors coming up and out because something has happened that made our system perceive something as a threat. When we start to think about our defensiveness (or someone else’s) as a way of protecting….maybe we can meet ourselves and others with more compassion.
Lets think about the backstory behind our protectors and protective moves we all have.
The way we have learned to protect ourselves starts in childhood. We all endure things and each time something happens our system is coding, making meaning, and figuring out the best way to keep us safe. Here is an example- if when you were younger every time you expressed your emotions, you were met with anger from the other person…..your system is going to code this as- when I share it makes things worse so I will just not say anything at all. Lets keep going with this…as time goes on you are going to get better and better at shoving down your feelings and ignoring them. As you keep ignoring feelings, you might even lose access to your emotional inner world so you begin to not only have trouble sharing but trouble even figuring out what you are feeling. This then becomes the way your system learns to respond in all kinds of different situations. Just because you grow up and your “out” of the environment, does not mean you all of sudden stop doing your protective move. We just carry it with us.
This leads to our brain….Our brain has 1 job to keep us alive. The best chance of survival is predictability and familiarity. So if we take the above example, when we are in a relationship and our partner is asking us to open up…here is what is going to happen. Our system tells us nope we don’t do that because it doesn’t go well (by the way this is happening subconsciously- I don’t think we are sitting around literally thinking this through). So it goes into the action tendency that we know- shut down, withdraw, go quiet, protest, lash out, or whatever move you have learned to do. Our system works fast to send this signal and our brain is on board because remember our brain LOVES predictability…we know exactly how to handle this to keep us safe. The pattern repeats over and over in so many situations and it really becomes so automatic.
But here is the good news…we can 100% change this. We just have to SLOW WAY DOWN.
Start by identifying what your protective move is. Do you shut down, withdraw, protest, get angry, go quiet, run away?
Explore your protectors. View them as a separate entity from you and explore the positive intention behind the protective move. Be curious with yourself and please don’t judge your protectors. All of us have earned why we do what we do.
Begin to notice when they come up live in the moment. You may be able to notice the action tendency in the moment and re-route yourself to respond in a way that feels more aligned with you. Or you may not notice until after the fact. That’s great too! Take time to sit with it then and explore within yourself and be curious.
Begin to respond in a different way with either a safe other or in a situation that just seems low stakes. Begin exposing your nervous system to a new way of responding to give your system the corrective experience. Example- if typically you shut down, try to actually express your feelings in a situation. When you do CELEBRATE THAT!! Say out loud to yourself look I did it and I am okay! You have to get the reps in!
Lastly, be patient with yourself. It takes time to unlearn and teach your system there is another way. It’s going to take time and it won’t be perfect. But we have everyday and interaction to keep trying again.
One more thing….try to extend this compassion towards other people. There is what meets the eye and there is what is going on behind the scenes for someone. We only get to see what meets the eye. When we begin to extend compassion and curiosity towards ourselves and others, it can really change the way everything flows around us.