Reacting vs Responding in Relationships
Having conflict and tough conversations in a relationship is inevitable…and actually quite healthy and necessary. Naturally, during a difficult conversation it is possible for both people to get triggered. Once we become triggered, it is very easy to start “coding” everything as a threat. When our nervous system starts to code things as a threat…we of course are going to become more reactive.
Being “reactive” is going to look different depending on the persons “protective move”. Some will lash out and others will go silent. Either way we are not in an open hearted place to actually take in another’s perspective with compassion and curiosity and your likely not in the place to share from a soft and vulnerable place. This dynamic happening is totally understandable…again we are human and love our partner so feeling a disconnect when triggered can truly feel like a threat to the relationship.
A reaction is so fast and automatic and we are running on impulse. I really prefer to think about our “reaction” as the protective move we do to protect our heart. We all have a way of protecting ourself…it’s primal. Porcupines stick out their quills and an clam goes into their shell. This is something that we all have and it can be very easy to have this “protective move” come out with towards our partner because it is such a vulnerable relationship. The more vulnerable we feel…the higher the risk will feel of getting hurt.
So while this is all so understandable, it also creates quite a disconnection and leaves us feeling worse.
The question is then what do we do about this…
- Identify your protective move- do you lash out, go cold, get critical, go quiet. Learn the move so you can begin to “catch” it and slow yourself down. Slowing yourself down, gives you the opportunity to be more responsive.
- Behavior change is just a part of the equation…we all do what we do for good reason. Meaning this is likely a move we started doing early in life so just changing it will be hard. Reflect and process through the experiences you endured that left you in a place where you felt like you had to do this “move”.
- Share these insights with your partner so they can have a deeper understanding of you and your emotional inner world. Sharing emotion is truly what sends the message and signal of love so we can be more bonded and connected.
When you start to do this…processing your feelings, validating and acknowledging the hurts you have experienced, and sharing vulnerably with your partner, you give yourself the chance to switch from reaction to responsive.
SLOWING DOWN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!!!! This allows your system the chance to pause and be more intentional with how you act or what you want to say.
When we are responsive- we are still acknowledging our own feelings and considering the emotions and experience of our partner.
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